We Have Lasers!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing with lasers. That includes killing pests,  opening doors and ruining movies. 

Oh yeah, and this:

 

LASER BACKGROUNDS!!!

Pew pew pew! Aww yeah, it’s the Laser background, the king of all backgrounds. We Have Lasers!!!!!! is a blog where people send in childhood portraits where they selected the prestigous laser background from the photographer that visited their school.  

Because if it was good enough for George W. Bush, it’s good enough for anybody. 

PS – I would really like to see the Queen of England with a laser background.

STFU, marrieds

Time was, you only had to worry about nauseatingly cute couples in real life. Now they’re on Facebook too, posting inane status updates and annoying everyone on their friends list. If any of my married friends are reading this, I don’t mean yours; your status updates are totally great.

STFU, Marrieds is a blog dedicated to re-posting (usually anonymously) irritating facebook status updates written by married people.

OMG STFU

http://stfumarrieds.tumblr.com/

The Video Game Facial Hair Blog Without A Funny Or Clever Title

This blog is self-consciously specific, and it only has two posts. But it’s still awesome. It even mentions the hammock blog!

http://dudekazoo.wordpress.com/

Yeah, Barrett from Final Fantasy VII. Dude had a beard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Since there are only three characters mentioned on the Video Game Facial Hair blog (Barrett and Mario and Luigi,)  I’m going to take the liberty of adding three of my own. 

The dwarf from Golden Axe II:

 

RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE! Wait, wrong game.

 

This little kicker of elves had a majestic though stereotypical dwarven beard.  This is the kind of beard they give you when you reach Valhalla.

 

 

  

 

 

 

Gordon Freeman from the Half-Life series:

Bearded berzerker

 Who could forget the beard of Gordon Freeman, the hapless scientist who is forced to kick ass with a crowbar after an interdimensional resonance cascade at Black Mesa Labs unleashed an invasion of alien parasites?

Gordon’s neat Van Dyke says “I am a geek” as well as “I am a sociopath,” perfectly summing up this lone wolf’s character. 

 

 

 

 

 

Of note, an early version of the game had Gordon looking like a deranged UNIX administrator with his massive, massive beard and powered armor. I actually think this one is better: 

Ahahahahaha

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Groove Champion’s stache in Interstate 76

Right on

The awesome 1997 driving combat game Interstate 76 was one of the first to render its characters in 3-D.  With only a few precious polygons to render the main character, Groove Champion, the designers used most of them to create his fantastic mustache. I belive this decision is what made the game a success.

The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks

What do those funny little upside-down double commas mean? Like most people, I don’t know. However, I like to sprinkle them randomly through my writing. The elitist who writes the “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks doesn’t like this habit, and posts all kinds of examples of people “mis”-using quotation marks. Like this one:

I see nothing wrong with the grammar here.

Really though, it’s a very specific and very funny blog. Reminds me of the signs posted around southern Delaware that say something along the lines of,”Fishing is ‘prohibited’ on this bridge.”

http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com

Props to Shaun Gallagher who found the link.

Hanzi Smatter: What does that Chinese tattoo really mean?

Americans love to make fun of foreigners. There is an industry devoted to mocking the enthusiastic but flawed attempts of Asian people to create signs and documents in English. (see Engrish.com) I make no apologies for this; it’s hilarious. 

But you know what I have never seen? A Chinese person with a tattoo of a ridiculous or nonsensical English phrase.  Americans, on the other hand, seem to have no qualms about permanantly marking their bodies with a language they do not understand.  I have always suspected that when a tramp gets a tramp stamp that includes a Chinese character, it probably doesn’t say what she thinks it says. 

It’s not that I lack trust in the American tattoo industry. I have great respect for the ability of tattoo artists to render with the utmost accuracy snakes riding motorcycles, naked women with butterfly wings and demons peeing on Chevrolet symbols. But it must be said, tattoo artists are not usually experts in Chinese calligraphy.

And you know what? According to the blog Hanzi Smatter, I was right! Hanzi Smatter is an extremely specific blog written by a trained translator. All they do at Hanzi Smatter is post pictures of people’s tattoos and provide their literal meanings. The tats are generally gibberish … at best.  Sometimes people write in to the blog and ask for a translation:

I was talking about your website with a co-worker of mine, in reference to one of your articles. She wanted me to find out if the tattoo she got really means what she wanted it to mean (obviously!). Here is a pic of her tattoo. She thinks it means “Bitch.” What does it look like to you?

Thanks,

~Roger

Why would anyone wanted to label themselves in such negative way? 

Typically bitch as noun is translated as 母狗 and 婊子 as slang.

What this woman tattooed 贱女 really means “cheap whore”.

 

 Ahahahhhahhhhhahhaahahahhahhahhahahahhhahahahahahhahahahahahaa

Flaming Garbage Cans in Hip-Hop Videos

 

Don't be a Dempsta hata

Having a flaming barrel vastly improves a hip-hop video, much like it does a hobo encampment. (Bindles would also improve hip-hop videos but this has never been tried.) The Flaming Garbage Cans in Hip-Hop Videos blog documents the trash-can fire phenomenon. No snark, no commentary, just embedded flash videos of people rapping near burning waste receptacles. It’s everything an Extremely Specific Blog should be.

flaminggarbagecansinhiphopvideos.blogspot.com

The Outdoor Hammock Blog

more complicated than it looks

 

This blog is dedicated to one thing and one thing only: outdoor hammocks.   The writers of the Outdoor Hammock Blog never stray from their purpose, which is to write about their favorite sleeping equipment in charmingly broken English. Here you will find no posts about indoor hammocks, man-o-war sailor hammocks  or futons (the moral equivelant of a hammock.)  

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Why should I pay top-dollar for an store-bought hammock, and enrich those fat cats on Hammock Street, when I could fashion my own hammock from fishing line and a bedsheet?”

Sorry to bust your bubble, but I think the fine folks at the Outdoor Hammock Blog have a thing or two to say about your cocky hotshot hammock making notions:

 

Many people have asked whether making their own outdoor hammock is better than buying a commercial product. Although we can’t tell you the absolute answer on this because it really is a matter of personal style, we can tell you what we have found in our research.

There are several reasons why we would suggest to you to purchase an camping hammock rather than buying it. One of the biggest reasons is that to make your own and make it hold up, you will need good sewing skills. You will also need to understand how to pick the right fabrics and cords to come together to make your outdoor hammock.

Although you can use a sheet or something that you already know about, this will not be a hammock that you can readily use for camping over a long period of time. Some people think that because a camping hammock looks easy to make, that it is easy. However, you will find as you explore it that it takes a great effort to get it just right.

 

Don’t you even try to make your own hammock, idiot. That’s how people get KILLED. Leave hammock making to the professionals. 

http://www.outdoor-hammock.net/